What is a Trauma-Bonded Relationship?
Trauma bonding is one of those words that’s been trending for a while. At first, I thought I knew what it meant, but I didn’t quite grasp the full picture until I started looking back at my own life and realized I had trauma-bonded relationships, myself.
In simple terms, a trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that forms between people through cycles of pain, abuse, neglect, or chaos. These bonds can show up in families, romantic relationships, or friendships. They often feel intense and even comforting because there’s a sense of being “understood.” But the truth is, the trauma-bonded relationship is built on shared wounds, not on shared growth.
When you grow up in a violent, abusive, or neglectful environment, you often find yourself attracting relationships with that same energy. Like attracts like, according to the law of attraction. And yes—everything is energy, even trauma.
Why Trauma Bonds Form
Abuse comes in many forms; physical, emotional, sexual, or neglect. People avoid talking about it because of shame, embarrassment, or guilt. But when someone else has lived through something similar, the connection feels validating.
In trauma-bonded relationships, one person usually falls into the “victim” role while the other becomes the “counselor” or “rescuer.” I know this role well because I often became the counselor. It felt natural for me to help, to listen, to soothe. At first, it seemed comforting, but eventually I realized it was keeping me stuck in cycles that weren’t healthy.
Another reason these bonds form is simple brain chemistry. When someone hurts us but also comforts us, our brain releases powerful chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. That creates a confusing mix of pain and pleasure, which is why it can feel so hard to walk away. Add in the fear of being alone, and it’s no wonder trauma bonds can last for years.
How Trauma Bonding Showed Up in My Life
Because energy attracts energy, trauma bonds don’t always come from the same kind of trauma—they just vibrate on the same frequency. For me, I believe my mom was undiagnosed on the spectrum and had narcissistic tendencies tied to OCD. Her world had room only for what mattered to her, which left me searching for comfort in chaotic places. That search eventually led me into a dysfunctional church environment.
I didn’t fully understand these patterns until after my mom passed, when I was forty. Looking back, it’s clear why I kept attracting narcissists and chaos: it was familiar. Dysfunction felt like home.
That’s a big part of my story in my memoir Manifesting Me: A Story of Rebellion and Redemption. https://wellnessgardentoolshed.com/product/manifesting-me/
How to Recognize a Trauma-Bonded Relationship
Not every intense connection is a trauma bond. Here are some signs you might be in one:
- The relationship feels addictive, like you can’t leave even if it hurts you.
- You play the same roles over and over (rescuer, victim, counselor).
- There’s a cycle of comfort followed by pain, then comfort again.
- You bond more over struggles, chaos, or complaints than over joy or growth.
- The thought of breaking away feels terrifying, even if you know it’s unhealthy.
If you see yourself in this, don’t beat yourself up. Trauma bonds are powerful because they’re rooted in both emotional needs and brain chemistry.
Birds of a Feather
“Birds of a feather flock together” isn’t just a cliché, it’s reality. We mirror the people we surround ourselves with. That includes not only income, habits, or lifestyle, but also how we process pain.
I was reminded of this when visiting my son in Los Angeles near MacArthur Park. Sitting in the truck, I watched people hustling to survive, some working hard, others numbed by drugs. It broke my heart, because when despair becomes the norm, it’s incredibly hard to rise above it. Trauma-bonded relationships work the same way. When dysfunction feels normal, we unconsciously choose it again and again.
Breaking Free and Healing From a Trauma-Bonded Relationship
Here’s the good news: the cycle can be broken. Healing begins with awareness. Once you see the pattern, you can start to shift it.
Breaking free from trauma bonds isn’t easy, because it often means letting go of people we care about, even love. But sometimes love isn’t enough if the foundation is built on pain. Healing may involve:
- Self-awareness – noticing the patterns without judgment.
- Boundaries – protecting your energy, even if others don’t understand.
- Support – therapy, spiritual guidance, or safe friendships that encourage growth.
- Rewiring your brain – practicing gratitude, affirmations, or meditation to shift your Reticular Activating System (the filter that shapes what you see as “normal”).
- Choosing differently – surrounding yourself with people and environments that feel healthy, not just familiar.
Many of my old friends still bond over childhood trauma, sometimes even competing about who had it worse. But I know now that what we feed our minds becomes hardwired. Neuroplasticity proves we can rewire our brains, but only if we stop dwelling in the past and start feeding it new, healing thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Trauma bonding is powerful because it feels like love, safety, or validation—but in reality, it keeps us chained to cycles of dysfunction. When we hold on to old destructive patterns, it blocks our ability to receive and attract prosperity. Law of attraction states, like attracts like. If you come back from visiting people feeling down and depressed, that’s your sure sign that you may need to distant yourself from that group. You don’t want to manifest when you’re feeling down, because you’ll attract things on that lower vibration.
It’s important when wanting to improve your life, that you surround yourself with people on that same frequency. We all want to think we are lifting our friends’ or families’ spirits, but when our relationship is based on trauma, we’ll only bring more trauma or those unwanted sad feelings or experiences to us. If we can recognize the patterns, then we can to break and change them.
I’m not saying get rid of your friends or family, but be aware so that those relationships don’t hinder your success, happiness, joy, abundance, or prosperity. Life is a journey of lessons. The people in our lives are here to help us evovle. If we do pick our parents when we come to Earth School, the same must be true for everyone in our lives. We are very capable of changing, it’s about how badly we want it.
“For trauma bonds to be disrupted, the survivor must be able to identify the cycles of abuse and the roles of victim, victimizer and rescuer. This is how the relationship system and the roles of the survivor in that system can change.” – Patrick J. Carnes
Person Note
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog. There have been some changes behind the scenes here. Starting a company about manifesting and living your best life has been challenging as I am going through my own personal challenges. I believe these challenges are here to make me look at my own circumstances and reflect, and power though.
As much as I’m aware that things happen for reasons, it can be upleasant to say the least. None of us can really evovle if were not willing to look at ourselves without judgement but with honesty. Life is messy, but not at all times. Thank you for reading this blog. Let me know if you’ve had a trauma-bonded relationship, and how you’ve healed from it in the comments. ~ Cheers💫
