Handling Toxic Relationships
You may wonder why anyone would want to handle toxic relationships, when one could just simply leave. Well, what if those toxic relationships are in your family? It’s hard to quit your family or leave them, leaving you helpless. But what if I told you there are a couple of techniques you could you use. Would you be willing to try?
One way is to set boundaries. Another is to confront the issues at hand before they snowball into something ginormous. Relationships aren’t easy all the time, but they can provide great lessons.
I believe we pick our families when we choose to incarnate to this planet. What I mean by that is that we come here, to “Earth School” for our souls to evolve. It may sound crazy to some, but I feel like it gives me some power or control over my life and choices on how I want to handle things. Plus it allows me to be the observer instead feeling like a victim and puts me in the headspace to see if I can find the lesson.
This topic popped up for me especially after dealing with a death in the family and hearing some of my friends and clients going through it within their families. Death or end of life stages brings out the worst in people because everyone is feeling vulnerable and insecure, and sometimes toxic. Remember people act out when they are feeling out of control or hurt in their own lives. So how do we shake off the negative and hurtful words from these people that we can’t get away from?
Boundaries
Boundaries are an amazing tool when you stick with them. Limiting your time around toxic family members is one way to avoid being a target. Setting up an imaginary bubble around you is another way to shield yourself. That bubble acts as your own protective world. You look out of your bubble as the observer, and realize that it’s their issue not yours. Try not to react. Do the countdown technique, breathe then address the issues if need be.
Empathy is your friend. Try to empathize with your verbal attacker in the sense that they are projecting their drama onto to you, and you don’t have to accept it. When a toxic family member says something hurtful or rude, that person is really letting you know how they feel inside and that they want others to feel the same as they do, upset, insecure, angry, etc.
You can let your toxic family member know your boundaries by expressing yourself verbally. For some reason everyone is afraid of confrontation. People are afraid to hurt other people’s feelings, yet allow those same people to hurt their feelings. I get it if it’s an acquaintance or something, but you should never be afraid to confront your parents or siblings. Remember you allow people to treat you the way the do. Setting boundaries upfront is like setting up the rules for a game. Then there are no surprises.
Confrontation Doesn’t Have to Be Scary
As a little girl, I was afraid of just about anything, from dogs to mean people. With that being said, I moved to Oakland, California in the second half of first grade, at six years old. We moved to a hill that had more dogs than people. And yes, I was afraid of dogs.
My desire to meet and play with the other children in the neighborhood meant I had to confront every scary dogs that charged me when I walked near their home. My mom told be to stand tall and yell at them, even go towards them. I did what she said and by golly it worked. I tell this story because when it comes down to it, we are all animals. So that technique works with humans as well.
I went to a rough elementary school where fighting was a daily occurrence. An older girl must’ve seen the look on my face while watching one these fights and she told me to never back down from a fight. Always fight back. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, but you will gain respect for standing up for yourself. Because if you don’t stand up for yourself, you will be a “mark” and be picked on forever. As uncomfortable as confrontation is, setting boundaries by confronting issues, builds self-esteem and confidence.
I had my first real fight in the fourth grade. I was scared s**tless but it was by far one of the greatest life lessons taught to me. First of all, most people have a bigger bark than their bite. And second we all are not that much different from one another. If we can confront things before they reach a boiling point, we can avoid toxic energy and outcomes. Plus, the fight or confrontation is never quite as scary in real life as it is in your head.
Family Drama
That fight in the fourth grade wasn’t with a toxic family member, so what happens when a family member triggers you? You can leave the room, but say you’re trapped in a car. If you feel your blood boiling, try not to react. But say this family member keeps pushing for you to give a reaction? Then you must stand up for yourself.
Ask them questions like “Are you trying to be rude and make me react?” “Where is this coming from?” “Do you think your words are helpful at this time?” It’s real easy to want to snap and say something sarcastically. I know that is my go-to, but not helpful. I recently had a family member tell me on multiple occasions that they like me better when I don’t drink. Mind you I hadn’t drank most of the time I was around them. It was beyond hard to not say that I like them better when I drink. This person can be extremely overwhelming and very inconsiderate of the people in the room. I wasn’t the only this person offended, so I know it has more to do with their own self-worth and self-esteem issues.
My relative has a lot on their plate and isn’t always so toxic. The only reason someone would say such rude things to another family member is that they are hurting inside and not to take it personally. So what if it was a parent being mean?
When parents are mean and hold your inheritance over your head, that’s a whole different bottle of wax. Sometimes we must call their bluff and be okay with the outcome no matter what. My mom and I got into the most ridiculous fight while she was battling cancer. My parents aren’t exactly rich nor or they poor. But the good thing is my parents have never supported me financially so I’ve learned to not need their money. I’d rather have someone be nice to me than abusive most of my life to get some money. Although anyone going through that, you deserve every penny for putting up with such abuse.
Put Up or Shut Up
This will be hard for most to hear, yet necessary. We all have experienced toxic people in our lives. How long will you allow yourself to be a victim to such circumstances? If you were completely honest with yourselves, what are you gaining from staying in these toxic relationships? Is it money? Attention? Pity? Habit? Or the bonding that happens when you share your experiences with others in a toxic relationship. The only reason people stay in any situation is because they are getting something out of it.
If your family is toxic and you can’t leave them for whatever reason, then set clear boundaries and stick with them. Learn how to support yourself financially, emotionally, and physically. So if you do get support from them, it’s an added bonus. People need each other. We are a social species. But no one is responsible for how you feel inside. Claim your power. Learn from the parents you may have chosen. If you are feeling drained don’t answer the phone. Your call won’t end well if you have a vampire on the other line. Believe it or not, not everything is as urgent as one makes out it to be.
It’s okay to let family know how you feel and if they don’t like it, then they can move on. People aren’t always going to get along, especially if health is on the line or when dealing with a death in the family. The worst traits will rear their ugly head. No one needs to subject themselves to abuse of any kind. So stand up for yourself. Confront the situation and set your boundaries. You’ll have gained respect for yourself and have less toxic relationships in your life by doing just these two things.
Let me know if you have techniques that work for you in the comments.
This week’s tarot energy reading touches on this subject. It really captures the essence of Venus Retrograde go figure. (Or not, lol) https://youtu.be/abFpdHcT0Kk
Accessorize with a Black Tourmaline tumbled stone bracelet to aid in confidence when dealing with toxic relationships. Click on the link below.
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By Leah E. Reinhart
You should feel uplifted, energized, and content in a healthy relationship. If you’re drained, questioning yourself, or feeling like you want to run, you are in a toxic relationship.
Leah E. Reinhart
