It’s Better To Belong Than Fit In

By Leah E. Reinhart

Belonging and Fitting In Sounds Like The Same

Belonging and fitting in sound like synonyms until I heard Brene Brown talk about this subject on Lewis Howes’s The School of Greatness podcast. She’s found in her research that belonging is the opposite of fitting in. If you look up the definition, it doesn’t quite say that, but I found this subject fascinating because I could totally relate. I could fit in just about anywhere, but didn’t always feel like I belonged. https://open.spotify.com/episode/03EbVM88YO07RZ2SV9Nrmk?si=46387a5a11a74c22

It piqued my interest because social media has everyone addicted to fitting in, which seems a bit more intense than when I grew up. Everyone, especially young people, have a desire to fit in and look cool. They want to wear the latest styles or listen to the current music or watch trendy shows or talk about the latest memes. This isn’t a new concept. We’ve all had our periods in life of going through this, but what has changed is the way social media has impacted us and our view of reality. Influencers have all the power. We didn’t have such things back in the day. You had to have a talent like acting or singing or sports to get on magazines or in the media. Now you only have millions of followers without much to offer to get you all the fame and glory. After all they must be something special and therefor need to be listened to or do what they say to do or want to be like them. Sometimes your interest is authentic which is great, but other times you just go with what the crowd thinks is cool, which compromises your true values.

What Is Fitting In?

Fitting in is being adaptable to most or any situation to please other people. I consider myself pretty adaptable which is very helpful in a work situation. I chalk it up to moving elementary school 3 times and high school twice and my desire to have people like me. Peer pressure wasn’t a stranger to me. I succumbed on numerous occasions putting me in precarious positions. I’m lucky no one or myself ever was truly hurt. And I am very thankful there weren’t cameras everywhere to capture my oh so shining moments.

Lewis Howes talks about his experience in being picked last to be on a team during P.E. in school and how ashamed and lonely he felt. He vowed to get better at sports so that would never happen again. That exact scene was my experience in elementary school as well. It was humiliating.

Monkey bars and gymnastics type things were more my talent, than kickball or baseball. Fear overcame me when I had to go up to in front of everyone only to strike out. Looking stupid or like an outcast went against everything in me and my goal to fit in.

Eventually something clicked, most likely my need to fit in overcame my fear, where I just went for it instead of holding back and I ended up being pretty good at sports. By sixth grade graduation, I was dedicated and awarded athlete of the school (or something like it). I altered myself in order to fit in, but did anyone really care about me, personally? None of those classmates are in my life today nor were they around even a few years later.

To hear more of my desires and crazy ways of fitting in click on the link below to read my memoir Manifesting Me: A Story of Rebellion and Redemption

https://wellnessgardentoolshed.com/product/manifesting-me-a-story-of-rebellion-and-redemption/

What Is Belonging?

What I really was looking for was a sense of belonging. I confused belonging with fitting in. Belonging is more about being accepted by a group of people that share the same values and interests while respecting you as a person. You don’t have to alter your personality. Feeling comfortable in your own skin and with your identity and able to express it freely, is what belonging feels like.

I had a major epiphany at the age of 40 about my need to fit in. (See not just young people need to fit in.) A new salon opened and I was invited to work. It was the trendiest salon in town and anyone who was anyone would be working there. I committed career suicide when I moved there. Everyone was beautiful. Perfect hair. Perfect bodies. I’d worked with most of these stylist in other salons. At those other times, I never really fit in with them and this was my chance to finally fit in.

After a week of being there, I realized what a huge mistake my being there was. Or was it an opportunity to learn a life lesson? At that moment I began to ask myself, why was I so preoccupied with them liking me. Never once did it cross my mind to ask myself if I would like them. Some of them didn’t share the same values or did I fully respect. I stayed about a year, a year too long, giving me plenty of time to make decisions on where I’d belong as opposed to fitting in.

Are You Trying To Fitting In Or Do You Belong

Do you find yourself trying to fit in? Or do you feel like you belong? You’ll be able to feel the difference because it affects our well-being, happiness, and self-esteem. When we belong, we feel more confident, authentic, and fulfilled. When we fit in, we feel more anxious, insecure, and dissatisfied. Therefore, it is better to seek belonging than fitting in, even if it means being different or alone sometimes.

It took me until my 40’s to really understand the difference between fitting in and belonging and what I was doing. It’s not really a new concept, but since the pandemic, more people have gone to social media for some sort of connection. Yet studies and data show people feel less connected and lonely than ever before. Maybe they are building connections to fit in rather than to belong.

It’s normal to want to fit in such as in your neighborhood, school, or work. The reality is you may fit in, but not feel like you belong. Whether you feel like it or not, the truth is you do belong, right here on this planet or you wouldn’t be here. Your tribe is out there and I hope your find it. Like Brene Brown’s quote says belonging starts with self-acceptance.

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.

Brene Brown