By Leah E. Reinhart
Rejection Is a Part of Life
Rejection is a part of life whether we like it or not. Not everyone will like our ideas, the way we dress, or fall in love with us. Everyone knows this that has lived for a short amount of time. What’s weird to me (and I am guilty of this) is we can have a majority of people like our ideas or something we created and have that one that give you negative feedback, or rejects your project which you then take as they reject you.
I’ve always had issues around rejection and acceptance. I’m sure it had something to do with my parents and generation. After all I’m a GenX, you know the generation where parents didn’t interact with children unless it was to discipline them. Being somewhat of an empath, I felt rejected quite often and sought to where I’d be accepted. I have a memoir that you can order from this site https://wellnessgardentoolshed.com/product/manifesting-me-a-story-of-rebellion-and-redemption/ or Amazon. https://a.co/d/1K7ppPX
And as an author, I’ve thrown myself into more rejection. Nothing (maybe auditioning for a show) will give a strong lesson in rejection like pitching your novel to a literary agent. The amount of rejections is enough to drive anyone into a dark place. I still can’t believe I put myself through that and I’m not even done, ugh.
Why do I continue to torcher myself with rejection? The answer is simple. I am passionate about certain topics that by now if you’ve read some of my blogs or know me personally, you’ll understand what I mean. Also, I love sharing information that I find useful or fascinating and that may help someone. Therefor, I must reject my feelings of rejection to move forward. (did you see what I did there?)
Is There Anytime Rejection is Good?
Is there anytime rejection feels good? The logical answer is no. But the long answer is yes. I’ll explain this. Rejection asks us to look at the real circumstance. For example, say you interviewed for this job that you wanted (or thought you wanted) and couldn’t wait to get the interview. You nailed the interview, at least in your mind, then a few days later you get the call that the position was filled with someone else. You don’t make the team or the squad. Denied a loan, divorce, fired, the list goes on. Maybe your mom had an undiagnosed mental illness where she pushes you away and belittles you and tell you horrible things. It can be anything.
Did I mention this was the long answer? People are rejected all of the time. It seems natural to take all of those scenarios personal. But there is another way to look at rejection, even where you might even be thankful for it. Being in my fifties and being blessed with a pretty good memory, I’ve had plenty of experience in rejection in my life where I think I’m to the point where it doesn’t have the same affect as it had before, because I have hindsight. The Universe does have your back. It only takes time to see how it works.
Map
Rejection is like a map. Not everyone knows where they want to go or what types of “greater than” are out there for you. Take a break-up for example, if you stayed or forced a relationship to continue, you never meet the person that would be the perfect partner for you. It’s doing a huge disservice to stay in a relationship if either participants aren’t into it 100%. Would you want someone to be with you out of convenience rather than loving you? I think not.
What about that job you didn’t get? Did it lead to a better one with people you connect with on more than one level? Or what if the rejection saved you from a worse scenario, because you weren’t prepared for the job due to lack of experience or knowledge? Maybe the timing was all wrong. What if rejection now, was only now and not later? I bet if you look at all the rejections you’ve had, you’d see it has led to something better, something you hadn’t imagine existed. I look at relationship rejections like stepping stones, you find out what works and what you can’t tolerate, which applies to all rejections.
Some rejections are punches to the gut and you think you’ll never get past the pain of the hurt. Family members are probably the worst. You can’t leave your family (you can, but that’s really tough and may not be an option for you.) When friends or a coworkers reject you that can be difficult as well. Again, I believe things happen for reasons. We may not know the reasons right away or ever. Believe it or not rejection from our friends or coworkers or loved ones gives us an opportunity to learn where acceptance and love come from.
It’s Not You It’s Me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” is one of those statements no one wants to hear. But they really are telling you the truth. When you’re being rejected by a person or group, you automatically think that there’s something wrong with you. Then the thoughts swirl about in your head about everything that is wrong with you and why people would reject you. And if you read my last blog on law of attraction, you’ll know that your brain acts like a Google search and give you lots of reasons, true or not, on the why you should be rejected. It also creates a desperate vibe. No one wants a “pick me” person. https://wellnessgardentoolshed.com/the-truth-secret-behind-law-of-attraction/
By them telling you that they are the problem, is truly a blessing that you find out sooner rather than later. They are giving you the opportunity to find a better fit. It also gives you the chance to see if something in yourself needs improvement. One thing that stands out for me is, I was so worried about me being accepted into the group that I altered my personality to fit in. If you have to change who you are to avoid rejection, that is not your tribe. There are 8 billion people on this planet. You will find a space and your people that won’t reject you.
Get Curious About Rejection
Learn to get curious about rejection. It’s a part of life and it isn’t a personal attack on you or your character. It is about the other people. Peoples’ opinions only hurt when you believe that they are true or you’re not confident in that particular area. Rejection gnaws at us when it’s triggers something from the past, which is most of the time. Where are you getting triggered? See if you’re attaching all of the past to one event.
I’m pretty sure my mom was somewhere on the spectrum, but not diagnosed. She had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and could identify with Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang show. If you’ve ever watched that show, you’ll know that can be very difficult growing up in that environment where love appeared to have conditions. Most parents don’t withhold unconditional love. I felt very rejected at times, not all, but a lot. It drove me to be an over achiever so people would have a reason to not reject me. It also lead me to find confidence in substances and/or other peoples’ acceptance or love.
What I found interesting was I had a client who had a personality much like mine. Couldn’t find a decent relationships and she experienced lots of rejection. The difference in our growing up experiences were that she had supporting parents that helped her, encouraged her, gave her words of validation. All of the things I wished I had received. Yet, our views were the same when it came to rejection. It meant we weren’t lovable. That view is the farthest from the truth.
Rejection Doesn’t Equal Unlovable
Feeling loved makes us feel secure. Rejection makes us insecure. All of us want to feel safe, secure, and peace. Community helps us with all of those. When you equate rejection to lack of love, that really is inaccurate description of rejection. When I felt rejected by my mother I felt very unlovable, but her actions taught me one of the greatest lessons of my life. It was how to love myself and feel it within rather than let something outside of me dictate whether I was lovable or not. It’s cliché that love and acceptance starts within, but we have clichés for a reason.
Having a parent that withholds loves or rejects you is much like the over-doting parent that smothers you. Both leaving you feeling that other people are responsible for your happiness and security. If your parents are doing all the work, you might not have the opportunity to learn to soothe yourself. Think of it like sleep training. One parent lets you cry it out without ever checking on you, which isn’t good. And the other hears a peep and won’t let you try to cry it out for increments of time, which isn’t good either. There’s a balance that’s supposed to happen and is a healthy way to sleep train. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/when-and-how-to-sleep-train-your-baby
Lessons can be learned when you are feeling rejected. Try to be the observer and really look at your situation. Because if you’re attaching old unresolved issues like I’ve done in the past, every rejection feels like you don’t belong. Those feelings have kept me up at night. But now I know that I am a part of this world, just like everyone. We all have our place in it or you wouldn’t be here. We aren’t going to fit in everywhere and that’s not a bad thing. Thank goodness I resolved my issues with rejection and don’t equate it to love. I hope you can too.
A New Perspective
It may sound like I have mommy issues, but that’s not what I’m saying. She did the best she could with what she had to work with, internally. It wasn’t about me. It was her. She had some kind of spectrum thing going on where she couldn’t help it. I also believe that this is Earth School and that we pick what types of lessons we want to learn. I picked the best family for me to learn.
Some people have more difficult lives and will experience the unimaginable or unthinkable types of rejection. It truly is the rejecter’s issue, not the one being rejected. Rejecters give you the class on what you came here to learn. So crush that class. Once you overcome the fear of rejection, there will be no limits on what you can do, who you will meet, and or who you will become.
Anyone that has done big things like Albert Einstein, Socrates, Darwin, you get the idea, have all been rejected. Thank goodness they didn’t let rejection get in the way of progress. None of us should ever let rejection stop us from our dreams and our true desires.
The best thing we can do with rejection is to make it a learning experience – rejection is a great teacher.
